An Early Goodbye

I sit here on an empty bed in an empty room: the scratchy green plastic material of my bare bed sinking underneath my weight as I stare at my white naked walls where pictures and fairy lights used to hang. My desk, usually messy with books and papers, now just a piece of wooden furniture stripped of any signs of ever being used.

It feels weird looking at the space that used to be my sanctuary be cleaned out of its meaning of "home." Just a few days ago, my room was the epitome of what my sophomore year looked like at Emerson: class schedules and syllabi taped on the walls, planner, wide open, showing a never-ending list of meetings and to-dos, an unrolled yoga mat, an unmade bed, and a never-closed wardrobe. Now, the only things that are open, and ironically, the only items that are always closed during the year, are my two suitcases serving their purpose, awaiting their journey back home.

I never thought there would come a day where I would have to pack everything I have in 72 hours and go back home. But then again, I never thought I would be in charge of almost 100 amazing (AKA crazy) freshmen on my floor. I never thought I would have the opportunity to be a part of a real travel writing publication. I never thought I would be able to combine my passion for God and photography. I never thought I would find a "home" and a "family" in such an unknown country.

As I look at the end of this journey, I look to the beginning, where it all started. I walked into the same bare room in August 2019, but I know I won't be leaving it the same in March 2020. I was the first to live in this room, and I've forever left my mark. Even now, I see small dents where the furniture have stayed too long in one spot over the year. I see chips in the paint where my wall hooks used to hold my keys and winter coats. I see patches of new carpet where the dust have yet to creep in.

And I'm glad I get to have this moment of silence to simply take it all in. The last couple days have been filled with anxiety and stress of not having enough time, not having enough space. Boxes and plastic bags covered every inch of my floor. My mind, itself, preoccupied with what else I have to do and pack. Never have I felt so much anxiety: going to bed with a pounding heart and worried mind, and waking up feeling the same. I thought that being still was precious time wasted. Even though I knew that was the farthest thing from the truth. I prayed to God asking for peace because I knew I needed it. But my actions after that prayer were still dictated by panic and anxiety simply because I didn't take the time to be still and worship.

So when I finally did allow myself to simply move away from my room and the packing, God's gates of peace and love and comfort came crashing down. I forgot that God was greater. I forgot that God was more powerful. I forgot that God is Healer and Protector of all. I let the shouts of fear and panic take hold of me, when instead, I should have been listening to God's comforting whisper.

God knows what He's doing. None of this took Him by surprise. He's got it all under control. And most importantly, He's got me in His good and mighty hands.

I'm not happy to leave so early, but I'm at peace knowing that God is writing His story. He's opening doors we don't even know we want and need. And He's closing the doors that are not good for us, even though it may not seem that way right now.

I am at peace.

When the storm raged and waters rose against Jesus' boat, Jesus slept. He was at peace. Even when everyone around Him was fearful, Jesus was at peace. He was at peace because He knew God is good and God is in control.

So be still, listen to His whisper, and find peace.

I close my purple-painted door on one hell of a sophomore year. But I know another door is waiting for me to open it. (Heck, even now, God's already opened it. I just need to walk through).

---

"The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.'

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper."

1 Kings 19:11-12

"He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, 'Quiet! Be still!' Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

He said to his disciples, 'Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?'"

Mark 4:39-40