I had to make some difficult decisions last week. It was two days of non-stop thinking, crying, worrying, and praying—well mostly crying while praying, really.
It was a hard decision, one I didn’t want to make—one I’d rather not make. But it had to be made. I’ve fought God before; fought Him against His plans. And after, I realized I was just delaying the good things He had in store for me, all because I was too stubborn, too afraid, too prideful... I knew I didn’t want to do that again. No matter how hard it is, I knew fighting God was futile. And I’m truly better off surrendering everything to Him... Into His good and perfect hands.
I can’t explain it, but I’ve had a tremendous amount of peace choosing something I never really wanted for myself. All my life, I've told myself and people around me that I’d never do this. But here is God telling me to do just that (sorry, being a little vague, because I'm not sure I want to share just yet what that decision was...).
And I know it doesn’t make sense. Why would I give up my dreams to step, instead, into something I don’t know? Why follow God into the unknown?
Well, maybe because I know God. My God, my King, my Savior, my Creator, my Best Friend, my Father in Heaven. Because I know He has never let me down before. Because I know He will not call me into empty promises. Because I know He’s calling me to a better yes. Because He knows what is good—the best—for me. Because God’s done it before in my life, and I know He’ll do it again. He is faithful.
Those couple of days, I truly felt an overwhelming sense of peace that goes beyond understanding. I shouldn’t be at peace. I shouldn’t be able to laugh and smile, and sleep at ease. But I was, and I am. Over and over, God confirmed I was making the right step. That this was what He wanted for me.
Yes, there were moments of doubt. So many of them. Moments where I compared myself to others: “Why couldn’t I be like them?” ; “Why didn’t God open those doors for me?” Moments where I've felt ashamed and embarrassed at the steps I'm taking: “Am I a failure? Am I not good enough because I couldn’t do what they did?” But God is so good. He continuously reminded me of His love and His grace. Of His good and perfect plans for me.
In the midst of my doubts and anxiety, God called me out to worship Him... in a very unexpected way. It was evening at this point, maybe around 7:30 or 8pm. I had just got home, showered from a yoga class, and made myself dinner. When I came back into my room from the kitchen, I heard music coming through my window. I live in the heart of downtown, so I often hear performers singing and playing music from the street below. There are days when I would open my window and listen to the guy playing jazz tunes on his saxophone.
But that night was different. Someone was singing worship songs. I had to do a double take and place my ears right up to my window to make sure I wasn’t imagining it. I’ve never heard someone play worship songs right at the heart of downtown before. It was faint, but it also rang so loudly against the doubtful thoughts in my head.
My heart was moved and immediately I was in tears. I don’t know what took over me, but I immediately changed out of my pajamas and headed out—wet hair and all. I needed to get down there. I wanted to worship. I craved for the presence of God.
I got down there and although no one was really listening, gosh, the presence of God was just so strong. I awkwardly found a little corner and just stood there quietly singing along. It was such a weird moment for me—it’s something I would never have done if I wasn’t prompted by the Spirit. But I just felt God there. I felt Him telling me that it’s okay to trust Him. That it’s okay to take that step and follow Him, even though I don’t know exactly what I’m walking into. That He’s not calling me to empty promises. That I’m loved and I’m not a failure. It just felt like a big hug.
Looking back, I wished I stayed there longer and was brave enough to close my eyes and lift my hands in worship. But I’m not going to lie, I was also scared of being looked at weirdly or, worse, robbed... nobody just stands around in the middle of the city.
But I am still so so grateful for that invitation to the throne room of God at a public city square. I stayed there maybe 10-15 minutes. And by the time I got back to my room, the music stopped and the people were gone. God knew I needed that. It gives me assurance that He’s right next to me as I make a difficult decision to follow Him down a narrow path I never thought I’d take.
*the people playing the songs were actually from a church outside the city, handing out flyers to invite people to their church*
Comments