I've been at a season of life where I lost my excitement for God and the greatness of who He is. It was a season of focusing so much on my sin that I truly believed I couldn't go before God because He didn't want me to--because I was so dirty. With every devotion and worship time, I would come before God with my head bowed down and I would start my prayers with, "God I know you don't want me here..." Which I know now is not true.
I've only realized recently that this was a season where I stopped truly worshipping God in spirit. I would enter His courts only to ask for forgiveness, believing I didn't have it because I was so broken and ashamed. I came into worship to feel good about myself because I simply wanted to be told that I was okay. I wanted to know I was forgiven, because I wanted to feel comfortable about myself and the sins that still live within me.
But that's not what worship is about. John 4:24 says, "God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” And I wasn't doing that.
I recently went on a Christian retreat in New Hampshire, and I genuinely did not know what to expect or what I wanted to learn. I knew something was missing from my walk from God, but I always thought it was because I didn't ask for forgiveness enough, or because I am still so deep in sin. But I kept my heart open, because by that point, I was ready for anything--I just wanted to learn something and hear something from God.
And the moment the retreat started, God hit me instantly. The speaker told us to ask God this question: what is the one thing that is hindering you from coming closer to Him? And it wasn't until the last night that He told me. I remember being half asleep in my bed, half freezing because the temperatures were at 0 Celsius, asking myself the question, "what is it, God, that's keeping me from truly experiencing You?" And He simply said, "worship."
That simple answer didn't hit me until the next morning because, believe it or not, I fell asleep after hearing it. But the moment I realized I haven't been giving God the credit, focusing more on Him and less on me, I began to see that the speaker's message--even the little words of wisdom from the worship leader--fully backed up what I had just learned.
Now, when God tells you something over and over through different people and methods, that's when you need to start listening and paying attention.
During that morning's devotional, I told God thank you for showing me where I've fallen behind and told Him I would walk in faith and worship. I also saw my friend that morning, and I could not have missed the excitement and passion she had for Jesus. I thought to myself, "wow. I really lost my excitement for God somewhere along the way, and I want it back"
You see, I was so focused on my sins that I was living a life of guilt and shame, which is not at all what God wanted for me. Yes, it is true that I don't deserve this gift of love and grace, but God has given it to me and therefore, I can receive it. Jesus has cleansed me and there is no sin of mine that is too great or too horrible that God can't forgive. As Christians, we live a life of conviction, not of condemnation--two very different things.
God is so so good and He works in crazy ways! Just as I thought my teaching moment was over, my friend and I decided to go to church right after we got off the bus in Boston. And the pastor's message that night was exactly what I had just learned and exactly what I needed to take what I learned and apply it directly to my life. Crazy, right? But that's just who God is, and that's how He works.
In the following week, I focused on worshipping God and giving Him the glory and the praise. And it's crazy how much God can change your season once you are willing to start working at the core of the problem. It didn't take much, once I knew the issue, to be mindful during worship. Even just reminding myself that this time is for God and to give Him all the glory and the praises because He deserves it, is enough. I have never felt so much more peace and joy in a very long time.
So, if you feel like you have been stuck in the same season or chapter for way too long (which, trust me, that's where I was at just a week ago), ask God this:
"God, what is keeping me from truly experiencing you and all that you can offer me? What is it that's keeping me from diving deeper into relationship with you?"
And be still and simply wait for His answer, because He so wants to see you have a breakthrough. He will make a way and He always keeps His promises.
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